Master Of The House

My band of soaks My den of dissolutes My dirty jokes my always pissed as newts. My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn, Homing pigeons homing in, They fly through my doors. Welcome,monsieur! Sit yourself down. And meet the best innkeeper in town. As for the rest all of them crooks, Rooking the guests and cooking the books. Seldom do you see,honest men like me! A gent of good intent who's content to be. Master of the House! Doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale Creates a little stir Customers appreciate a bon-viveur Glad to do a friend a favour! Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price! Master of the House! Keeper of the zoo! Ready to relieve them of a sou or two Watering the wine Making up the weight Picking up their knick-knacks When they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend! I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end! Master of the House! Quick to catch yer eye! Never wants a passer-by to pass him by! Servant to the poor Butler to the great Comforter, philosopher and life-long mate! Everybody's boon companion! Everybody's chaperone! But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone! Food beyond compare! Food beyond belief! Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse Liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that! Residents are more than welcome! Bridal suite is occupied! Reasonable charges Plus some little extras on the side! Charge them for the lice Extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice There a little cut Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut! When it comes to fixing prices There are lots of tricks he knows! How it all increases! All them bits and pieces! Jesus! It's amazing how it grows! I used to dream that I would meet a prince But, God almighty, have you seen what's happened since? "Master of the House" isn't worth my spit! Comforter, philosopher, and life-long shit! Cunning little brain Regular Voltaire! Thinks he's quite a lover But there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Landed me with such a louse! God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house! Master of the House! Master and a half! Comforter, philosopher! Don't make me laugh! Servant to the poor Butler to the great Hypocrite, and toady, and inebriate Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse! Everybody raise a glass! Raise it up the master's arse! Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!