My Story

If I could swim a thousand lakes to bring your life back I write that, but infinity can't rewind facts. You are divinity. My primitive mind was struggling Just to understand the meaning of life, forgive me. I never told my mommy, I couldn't break her spirit. She always wished her daughter, extraordinary thinking. So I traveled alone, young, sixteen got in the habit of not stayin' at home Doing the sad walk like, Bill Bixby, a dollar fifty. Trips to the hospital so that Medicaid could fix me. I couldn't eat shit. I fainted frequent. On cold floors and I pause and I think, Peep it. I'm lost, my four friends know And just fuck at the boys' apartments for rent, so I'm all wishin' that it's a dream ending soon I've actually erased a lot that I've been through See when the rain comes down, I know it's fallin' for me, and only for me. And when the pain comes around, there's nowhere else I rather would be I know what I've done, Please forgive me. Now all my bitter homies sayin' that's what men do. Feelin' retarded for seeing partner potential. On top of that, the doctors telling me a heart murmur. I can't take it; I'm contemplating a glot burner, a cop murderer I can't be, this can't be. The tears streaming and I can't see, they lance me And I'm passin' out, and this is just for blood They had to cover the mass amounts, I've had enough. And you don't know what it's like in waiting rooms and outside their picketing pictures could slay you. Their screamin' victims, and spitting till they shame you I hold my head low and shiver push my way through. They put you in a room, where you can change into your gown and shower cap, shaking as a feene would do And tha's when you think of leaving, fleeing the building and then they call you and you hear the call of your children They count down from ten now, you wanna stop 'em but you say it in your head, your out for the cut Then you wake up in another room with plenty others They call it recovery; you're thinkin' we ain't mothers And then prescription pills, written a 'scrip with chills An understatement, you're dressed but you're naked still And your brain won't think straight Wait - Can't finish this. See when the rain comes down, I know it's fallin' for me, and only for me. And when the pain comes around, there's nowhere else I rather would be I know what I've done, Please forgive me. I kept it bottled up; my parent's found the pills Screaming God what have you done? Cried till I snotted blood, then got a gun My temper ran quick tho, from the thought, then the worst I was caught in the same place A year later, for me that's when hatred started My faith martyred, I've dated a father but farther, then I moved on Years past, the guilt's worse and it builds till your heart' smashed. Then I miscarried 22 age, I was headed to a breakdown Swallowed up some pills and I laid down I was a failure at that too, bailed from the rap then but fate took me back in. Sin is a tattoo my fingers attached with. Twenty-seven with three kids that I never met. What if I was Catholic? Wonder if they hate me? Thinking how their mother could ever murder? Well take me hell - to the depths where the brimstone chokes me constantly I gave a monstacy. How could I possibly correspond with God when I gave the authority to end that life? But it's never over, even if we have a child They coulda had a brother or sister or both. I'm thinking about another life that almost got close. Prayin' that in another time we coulda' changed posts. If I could just reverse time, I would. I don't know what I would do, honestly it's not good. I'm sorry.