Going Through Changes

I'm going through changes. I'm going through changes. Lately I really feel like I'm rolling for delf like Philly, Feel like I'm losing control of myself, I sincerely Apologize if all that I sound like is I'm complaining, But life keeps on complicating, and I'm debating On leaving this world this evening, even my girls can see I'm grievin', I try and hide it, But I can't. Why do I act like I'm all high and mighty, When inside I'm dying. I am finally realizing I need help. Can't do it myself. Too weak. Two weeks I've been having ups and downs, Going through peaks and valleys, Dilly-dallying 'round with the idea of ending the shit right here. I'm hatin' my reflection. I walk around the house tryna fight mirrors. I can't stand what I look like, yeah. I look fat, but what do I care? I give a fuck. Only thing I fear is Hailie, I'm afraid if I close my eyes and I might see her. Shit. I'm going through changes. I'm going through changes. I lock myself in the bedroom, bathroom, nappin' at noon. Yeah, dad's in a bad mood, he's always snappin' at you. Marshall, what happened that you can't stop with these pills? And you falling off with your skills? And your own fans are laughin' at you? It become a problem. You're too pussy to tackle, get up. Be a man, stand. A real man would've had this shit handled. Know you just had your heart ripped out and crushed. They say Proof just flipped out, homie just whipped out and bust. Nah, it ain't like Doody to do that. He wouldn't fuckin' shoot at nobody, he'd fight first. But dwellin' on it only makes the night worse. Now I'm popping Vics, Percs and Methadone pills. "Yeah, Em, tight verse. You killed it." Fuckin' drug dealers hang around me like yes men. And they gon' do whatever I says when I says it. It's in their best interest to protect their investment. And I just lost my fuckin' best friend. So, fuck it, I guess then... I'm going through changes. (don't know what I'm gonna do) I'm going through changes. (but I just keep on going through changes.) My friends can't understand this new me. That's understandable, man, but think how bananas you'd be. You'd be an animal too, if you were trapped in this fame and caged in it like a zoo. And everybody's lookin' at you. What you want me to do? I'm startin' to live like a recluse and the truth is Fame's startin' to give me an excuse to be at a all-time low. I sit alone in my home theater watchin' the same damn DVD Of the first tour. The last tour he was still alive. And it hurts. So, I fast forward. Sleepin' pills will make me feel alright. And if I'm still awake in the middle of the night, I'll just take a couple more. Yeah, you're motherfuckin' right. I ain't slowin' down for no one, I am almost homeward bound. Almost in a coma. Yeah, homie, come on dole 'em out. "Daddy, don't you die on me. Daddy, better hold your ground." Fuck, don't I know the sound of that voice? Yeah, baby hold me down. I'm going through changes. (Don't know what I'm gonna do) I'm going through changes. (but I just keep on going through changes.) Wake up in the hospital, full of tubes, but somehow I'm pullin' through. Swear when I come back I'mma be bulletproof. I'mma do it just for Proof. I think I should state a few Facts, 'cause I may not get a chance again to say the truth. Shit, it just hit me that what if I would not've made it through? I think about the things I would've never got to say to you. I'd never get to make it right. So, here's what I came to do. Hailie, this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina, too. I still love your mother, that'll never change. Think about her every day. We just could never get it together. Hey, wish there was a better way for me to say it, But I swear on everything: I'd do anything for her on any day. There are just too many things to explain. When it rains, guess it pours. Yes, it does. Wish there wasn't any pain, But I can't pretend there ain't. I ain't placin' any blame, I ain't pointin' fingers. Heaven knows I've never been a saint. I know that it feels like we just pissed away our history. And just today I looked at your picture, almost if to say "I miss you" subconsciously. Wish it didn't end this way, But I just had to get away. Don't know why. I don't know what else to say. I guess I'm... I'm going through changes. (Don't know what I'm gonna do) I'm going through changes. (but I just keep on going through changes.)